Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Hated No More

I hated my father. I hated his appearance. I hated how he smelled. I hated everything about him.

My father and I never shared any common interests. He seemed not to care about me. His appreciation to my achievements was alien. From being the chosen as one of the best rugby players in the district to amassing all the A’s in class, nothing seemed to impress him. I then stopped trying to get his attention. I started to envy my friends – they have loving fathers. I didn’t.

“Shoo, get out. I said GET OUT!” Is it true that he hated me?

My dad dislodging me from the house in his very stern voice became a norm. I don’t know. I thought all dads probably will do that to their kids who incessantly provoked their moms with their playful naughtiness that lead to breaking to things they touch. My brother even teased me as the boy with a hand from hell.

By the time I have to go to the boarding school, just like my older siblings, I felt a different sense of freedom. I was able to pursue a degree of my choice. I never had to deal with the constant nagging from my mom. More importantly, I never had to be in the prying eyes of dad. As the weeks, months, years passed by, the distance between me and my family became farther and farther. I enjoyed it.

Like most kids at that age, the sense of freedom is what we always long for. Yes there were times that I think of my family. “Do they miss me? Are they having fun while I am not around?” Never mind. As long as I can stay away from the terrifying gaze of my dad, I am fine. Was I really fine?

I had my answer when that one fateful (day of the week) (time of day) came. My dad figured in a motorcycle accident. I thought I was fine. I thought I will be fine. I thought wrong. I reached an ineffable state of loss. Suddenly, all the memories with dad came flashing back as I go back home. These memories help me flush all my hate with dad. It took me some time to recover from the loss. However, I am happy that I am able to address whatever pain I had back then.

I may not have, and will not have, the answers on why dad seemed so indifferent to me. It doesn’t matter. What is more important is that I realized that no amount distance can be too far for us to come rushing to our families in times of grief.  I am Sean and I hated my dad no more. 

Friday, February 24, 2017


Oh sweetnya dia, hari-hari hantar bunga kat kekasih dia tu.


Semua orang ada definisi cinta masing-masing. Ambil berat pasal pasangan. Cakna akan semua hal berlaku yang berkenaan dengan kekasih tu. Ada orang yang cinta kat haiwan. Cinta akan itik. Cintakan rumah dia. Cintakan pekerjaan dia. Cintakan kasut dia. Kereta dia. Ada yang cintakan suami dia. Anak dia. Bakal mak kepada anak dia. Satu benda yang pasti, semua orang ingin dicintai. Tapi malangnya, tak ramai yang betul-betul pakar dalam selok-belok mencintai.

Jadi, apa sebenarnya maksud cinta ni? Kita dah tak tahu dan lupa maksud cinta yang sebenar-benar cinta. Kebanyakannya definisi cinta yang ramai daripada kita pegang sekarang ni datang daripada filem-filem yang kita tengok, bacaan novel-novel jiwang, artikel-artikel kat fb, twitter insta, dan lagu-lagu jiwang yang kita dengar serta lain-lain sumber. Cinta yang digambarkan ini rapuh, fana dan konon-kononnya romantik.

Ramai yang tahu, definisi cinta yang sebegini rupa senang sangat kecundang. Hujungnya nanti dapat sakit. Tapi cinta ini jugak la yang ramai kejar, sebab definisi cinta ni lah cinta yang paling senang kita dapat. Salah. Definisi ni salah.

Kaulah jiwa ragaku.

Kaulah bintang hatiku. Aku akan menjagamu semampu dan sebisaku.

Kaulah permaisuri hatiku.

Cinta yang memunya. Cinta hanya bila orang tu milik diri sendiri. Bila orang tu dah tak nak kat kita, tak lagi mencintai. Ni cinta yang tak suci. Cinta yang macam ni sangat selfish. Cinta hanya sebab dicintai. Kalau kita lihat, ramai bekas pasangan yang saling membenci lepas mereka putus. Dulu bila jumpa cakap lembut, baik-baik je tapi dah clash tarik muka baek punya. Macam mana cinta boleh berubah jadi benci macam tu je? Betul ke tu Cinta? Jawapan aku tak. Tak tahula korang.

Kan ada dah kajian yang mengatakan bahawa bila kita jatuh cinta, otak kita diransangkan dekat ada satu part ni, di mana part yang sama terangsang bila kita hisap dadah cocaine. Kita rasa teruja, rasa gian bila jatuh cinta. Rasa rindu. Rasa dicintai. Tapi Kiranya benda-benda yang kita rasa masa kita melalui fasa-fasa kita jatuh cinta ni, benda yang sama kita akan rasa bila kita cuba cocaine.

So, Cinta = cocaine? takkan la kan. Tu cuma perasaan gilakan seseorang. Ketagihan. macam dadah.

Jadi apa sebenarnya definisi cinta yang sebenarnya?

Aku tak tahu. ahaha. tapi kat sini aku nak menyeru semua pembaca ni, terutamanya yang ada pasangan, ubah definisi cinta anda. Marilah menuju ke arah cinta yang agung. Cari definisi cinta yang sebenar.

Takkan la kita nak percaya yang sorang je manusia, yang menjadi pasangan kita, akan penuhi semua kemahuan kita, akan baiki semua kelemahan dan kekurangan kita. Saling melengkapi. ceh. Dusta semua tu.

Bagi aku, cinta yang suci datang dari diri sendiri, kepada diri sendiri. Kalau kita tak cinta akan diri sendiri, macam mana nak cinta manusia lain? bukan nak suruh jadi narcissistic, cuma kena betul-betul kenal dengan diri sendiri dan suka dengan benda yang kita buat. Kita kena cukup matang untuk tahu apa yang kita nak dalam hidup, tahu menerima kekurangan diri sendiri. Kalau kita dah reti menerima kekurangan diri sendiri, baru la kita boleh menerima kekurangan pada diri manusia lain.

Nak baiki kekurangan pasangan kita ni tak betul. Istilah baiki ni menunjukkan sesuatu tu dah sedia ada rosak. Kita tak boleh cintai someone sebab dia akan jadi someone yang kita nak. Kita kena la cintai someone tu sebab kita cintai dia. Jangan nak pentingkan diri sangat la.

Bila dah hormat kat diri sendiri, barulah kita boleh beri hormat yang sama kat pasangan kita. Takde la lagi cinta yang bersifat memunya. Yang desperate punya cinta. Istilah cinta yang baik macam ni la definisi cinta yang betul. Relax je. Ada seninya yang tersendiri. Lembut je. Tak menggesa bagai. Bila dah sampai tahap cinta macam ni, kita tak perlu dah jatuh cinta.

Kita dah buka diri kita supaya cinta itu sendiri jatuh kat kita <3.

p/s the only way to fall in love with yourself is to love your creator (:
2 thing attempted here, philosophy and writing in Malay.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

I am a dinosaur.

This is a story of one of the funniest interview that I have went.

Just before the end of my intern last October, there was this graduate employability program organised by TalentCorp that I shouldnt have went since my current intern place has offered me a quite promising job. But since I already signed up, it feels a little bad of not going there. In the end, the main reason of going there is just to meet new people. 

The camp was very promising though. On the first, they taught us the proper way to be a human that can actually write an acceptable resume. The do's and dont's for the resume. For the second day, on how to ace the interview. They cover on lots of stuff: what to wear, having the confidence on what to say and everything. The good stuff of the camp was on the last day of the camp. TalentCorp has invited more than 10 company that is going to hire us. (oh it was very frustrating to see none of my UKM friends attending this program).

To be frank it was entertaining as well as nicely convenient since they provide us with accommodation and food (free food is always nice, right?). The reason of going there fulfilled, met lotsa new interesting people. There is this one guy if I correctly recall, Danial, he was one of the trainer of Englishjer (I bet you guys also never heard of it). It is an organisation that teach underprivilege or basically anyone that want to improve their english, for free! No lie its free. At first it was kinda amusing to see a malay that speaks a perfect english (atleast it is for me).

Getting back to the dinosaur, the story happens on the third day.

Early in the morning, the participating company is starting to set up their place to do interview and stuff. Hey this banner is totally eye-catching (picture up here). Why is it keeping the dinosaurs alive? So the question started being asked to the people around me about that company since they all made somewhat a research to all the company on day 2 (where I skipped it because, you know, because I can ahaha). No dice they also didnt know about why is it dinasour.

Around 10 o'clock,  we all can start go the booth that has been set up for the interview for each of the company. I guess you guys knew which company that I went first.

Walk towards the dinosaur booth, pull the chair outwards, gave them my charming smile and bid politely towards the interviewer (3 of them).

sayasukaitik : Can I sit? (hey I learned this in the camp)
interviewer : Yes, please.

Then I put up my straight face, without any further thinking, I asked them.

Why is it keeping the dinosaur alive eh?

They laughed. I laughed. Then I come to a realization that all the chance to work with the company is lost since its pretty obvious that no research has been done by me about the company. 

The interview was proceeded by them telling me why is it keeping the dinosaur alive. The dinosaur represent the programming language that they main inside their company. It is very ancient (1954), using these black and white screens and utterly dull in every aspect. We had a nice chat after that and got some useful insight about the company. Oh, also, they told me that their expected starting salary is around 3k (wow). This interview was not like those serious mock interview or anything similar, it seems just like a normal daily chat. It was also my first time talking to Filipinos in real life (usually just met them in Dota games).

Actually I was pretty interested with programming job since it was my strongest core during my degree years, and getting a job in an IT company would be quite cool though. But yeah, I busted the interview already.

The other interview was merely mediocre. nothing special about them and no hopes has been placed too high of getting hired by any of them. After all the interview end, I bid farewell to all my newly met friends and the day after that continue the menial intern job at my current company. 

 Few month passed and guess what, I am now a part of the dinosaur company. Kudos to dinosaur!

and also to ducks.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Hi Dinosaur.

Blogging is no longer a norm for me, atleast not for me these past few years. It seems that this also applies to people around me . Nowadays people pretty much spent their times wiping their phone screen up and down scrolling Facebook, Instagram, sharing Twitter status or hanging it up at someplace watching videos, movies etc. Blogging are for dinosaurs. So, hi dinosaur (again).

Regardless, as I was scrolling through Linked-In timeline yesterday (theres restricted access to facebook in my training place, thats why), I ran into an article where the author somehow managed to willingly forced me to write this post (thanks Adlin). If you guys are interested with it you can read the article here. That was kinda an eye opening, and I strongly believe that you guys should also write your own blog as it will instill new habit and change your life indirectly in lots of way. Hey it is not taking that much of your time though.

So, wish me luck guys.

p/s All of the previous post has been removed elsewhere. Just realized how immatured a 16 yo me ahaha. So if you really wanna see it you can personally request to have the access from me (you can try).